The Book of Joel: A Holy Sacrilege
In the beginning there was just suck, and it was good. Suck became boring, which brought on the advent of shit. Shit was, well shit wasn't as swell. Happiness is the myth created to keep us from suck or shit. It didn't work . . .
Neither did we, that's why we're abandoned to just suck shit and be happy.
JOEL RECEIVES THE HOLY TRUTH AND BEGINS HIS MINISTRY
CHAPTER ONE: Man is created by the Holy One and begets and bashes skulls and Joseph creates the Church.
And lo! The Holy One beget Adam who got bored so the Holy One beget Eve who took the rap for begetting Death.
2 And lo! Adam and Eve beget Abel and Cain who beget a rock to bash Abel’s skull and on and on there was much more begetting and skull bashing throughout history and Kingdoms and it was Good so Man beget Wine to celebrate and it was Good.
3 And lo! Joseph beget the Church which set rules about begetting and skull bashing and wine and charged fees.
4 And lo! The Church beget Moron who beget Nephi who beget Provo who beget Orem who beget strip malls who beget Levi who beget Strauss.
5 And lo! There were many that came to the Church and there were many that mocked those that came to the Church and this greatly upset Joseph so Joseph declared that the Church would grant consolation prizes for Death which was not favored highly among the Living.
6 And lo! It was declared that the Dead shall forthwith receive a logo mug and a matching tote bag and it was Good because it brought much rejoicing among those that mocked those that came to the Church.
7 And lo! Joseph realised that the logo mug and tote bags were not cherished among the Dead and it weighed heavily on the Church’s fees so Joseph declared to the Living that the Dead shall forthwith receive Eternal Life and it was Good because Life was highly favored among the Living.
8 And lo! Joseph did not grant Eternal Life but the Dead did not seem to mind that they were being hosed.
9 And lo! The Church became strong and diversified its investments.
CHAPTER TWO: Satan gets drunk and takes pity on Man and delivers the Truth to Joel. Joel bears witness to the first Miracle and passes out.
And lo! In Heaven the Holy One and the Angels had been playing Golf throughout all the eons of Man and cared not for their stupidity.
2 And lo! Satan got drunk on the back nine and was kicked out of the country club for exposing himself and was bored so He took pity on Man.
3 And lo! Satan came to Joel who favored Wine above all else and had drunk his fill and cast his bowels upon the Earth.
4 And lo! Satan said unto Joel, "Lo! Upon you the Holy Truth shall be revealed!"
5 And lo! Joel asked Satan for some change for there was no more Wine.
6 And lo! Satan filled Joel’s shopping cart with Wine and said unto him, "Lo! Witness the First Miracle! Drink and be merry for it is yours to perform The Great Work!"
7 And lo! Joel drank the Wine and slept for forty days and nights all the while the Church became powerful and bought the parking lot where Joel slept and sent Peter and Paul to have Him removed.
CHAPTER THREE: Joel blesses His first disciples, Peter and Paul. There is rejoicing and stone throwing and miracles.
And lo! Joel said upon them, "You dare cast out He who carry the Holy Truth?"
2 And they said unto Joel, "You cannot possess the Holy Truth for it is written in the Church, ‘He who hath wisdom shall wear a white shirt and a black tie.’"
3 And lo! Joel said unto them, "A great man wears his deeds for garments. Bear witness!"
4 And lo! Joel pissed on them from an astonishing distance and it was Good.
5 And lo! Peter and Paul became humbled before Joel and said, "We have bore witness to a Great Miracle and we await your command."
6 And lo! Joel said unto them, "Drink my urine! For the Wine of Truth is too strong for you, my disciples, only after it passes through my body first, shall ye drink"
7 And lo! They hath drunk and received their blessing.
8 And lo! They came upon the great Temple of the Church and Joel said, "He who cast the first stone shall hath the most glass to break."
9 And lo! Joel picked up a mighty stone and cast it at the Temple and all the glass shattered within and without.
10 This upset the great priest who came out of the Temple to scold Joel, "You dare to cast stones upon the Church! There shall be neither eternal Life nor matching tote bag for you when ye shall die."
11 Joel said unto him, "I know not Death" and walked away.
CHAPTER FOUR: Peter and Paul bless the priest and there is much rejoicing. Mary joins them and there is even more rejoicing.
And lo! Peter and Paul opened their pants and blessed the great priest from an astonishing distance but the priest was not humbled though wet with the Truth.
2 And Joel was pleased with His disciples and produced more Wine and declared that they shall henceforth receive the Truth directly.
3 And Mary who had been waiting for four hours to get into Port O’ Call became dejected and walked the streets and came upon Joel and said unto Him, "Please Blessed One, I have traveled long and my road has been hard and now my thirst is great."
4 And Joel said unto Mary, "The road for us is long and hard as well and from it you shall receive the Truth."
5 And lo! Joel and His disciples opened their holy trousers and allowed Mary to receive the Truth.
6 And lo! There were now three disciples, Peter, Paul, and Mary and they sang songs of praise to the Holy One and it was Good.
CHAPTER FIVE: Joel and the disciples meet John by the river and there is more rejoicing.
And lo! Joel and his disciples wandered through the land blessing and spreading the truth.
2 And lo! They came upon John who lived in his van by the river. John was known throughout the land as one who possesses the Holy Spirit and several of His friends.
3 And lo! Joel said unto him, "Behold! We have come to receive the blessing of the Spirit and to be reborn!"
4 And John said unto Joel, "I believe it is I that should receive the Spirit from you."
5 And lo! Joel said unto John, "Then it is agreed. We shall exchange Spirits and there shall be rejoicing!"
6 And lo! John passed Joel and His disciples his holy bottle and they became drunk with the Truth and remembered nothing.
CHAPTER SIX: Joel and his disciples come to the great city.
1 And lo! In the morning, Joel shouted an alarm to His disciples," Behold! Our time is ripe to deliver the message to the people!"
2 And lo! The alarm greatly disturbed the disciples because their heads still rang wildly with the Truth.
3 And lo! They packed the holy shopping cart and made for the city.
4 And lo! As they entered town, there was a great stench of decadence wafting from the large fetid lake nearby. And so Joel issued forth a mighty flatulence that filled the sky with magnificent fragrance and there was much rejoicing among the city dwellers.
5 And lo! Joel climbed into the shopping cart and said, "Behold! I bring a new message of Truth!"
6 And lo! There were many to scorn them because in the city the word "Truth" had been greatly overused and had acquired the same stench as the fetid lake.
7 And lo! A blind man who was drawn to Joel by His magnificent stench, fell to his knees and begged for mercy.
8 And lo! The blind man said, "My name is Barney and my vision has been replaced by an endless and most foul parade of television commercials and I am forever hopelessly lost."
9 And lo! Joel laid His mighty hands upon Barney and dunked his head in the shopping cart of Wine until he began to kick violently. Then he was tossed to the curb and received multiple blessings from the disciples. After a short time Barney recovered consciousness and could see once again.
10 And lo! There were many more such blind in the city that got word of the great miracle but most preferred the endless and most foul parade of television commercials to having their vision restored.
11 And lo! Joel and his disciples came to the great thoroughfare of the city where the great Church laid claim but the claim was ignored and so the church could often be heard whining like a spoiled infant over it.
12 And lo! When the priests saw that Joel was coming and all the wonderful blessings and miracles He performed, they were greatly displeased.
13 And lo! Joel spoke to the masses, "Behold! Thy Kingdom is at hand!" and He let loose another Holy Flatulence.
CHAPTER SEVEN: Joel teaches the masses from the child seat of His Holy Shopping Cart.
And lo! Joel seeing the multitudes that have gathered around Him to partake in the wine, climbed high atop the shopping cart and taught them.
2 "It has been said 'blessed are the poor'. If this should be true then I say unto you it is better not to be blessed.
3 "The meek shall indeed inherit the Earth for the strong shall most certainly trample them into it.
4 "Blessed is Henry Wortman of two fifty six Hamlet Drive for the third shift waitress at the Silver State Truck Stop in Elko Nevada does find him attractive and there will be great rejoicing in her massive flesh next time through town!"
4 And lo! Henry Wortman approached Joel and kissed His feet crying "He is Lord!"
5 And lo! Joel taught, "It has been said that if thou shall be struck upon the cheek, then offer the other. I say if thou hast been struck upon the cheek, then part you garments and offer both.
6 And lo! Joel taught some more, "They say in the Temple that 'Thou shall not partake of the Truth' but I say that only through the partaking of the Truth thou shalt get fucked up and therefore perceive the true nature of the Universe on Earth as it is in Heaven".
7 And lo! Among the multitudes every last man approached Joel and were converted.
8 And there was a great stir among the multitudes for they were getting wet with the Truth.
CHAPTER EIGHT: The Great Priest of the Temple bears gifts of piss beer and there is a Holy Flatulence.
And the great priest or President as they called him looked down from the Temple spire and summoned his sentries.
2 And the priest said unto them "Bring me this one they call 'Joel' and we shall compare Gods".
3 And lo! The sentries approached Joel and the disciples and invited them to the Temple for a drink.
4 And lo! Joel accepted the invitation and went into the Temple.
5 And the great priest said unto Joel "Let us compare Gods!"
6 And lo! Joel said unto the priest "Where's my motherfucking drink?"
7 And lo! The priest ordered them some most foul low alcohol beers.
8 And lo! Joel said unto the priest "You want to talk about Gods and yet you bring me this filth. Your God is a lowly God of Pettiness!"
9 And lo! The priest said unto Joel "You will not find my God so petty after I summon the great angel Moron!"
10 And lo! The priest chanted unremarkable incantations both forward and backyards while standing on his head and twirling counterclockwise and Joel and His disciples were greatly entertained.
11 And lo! When the priest was finished he said unto Joel "Do you not fear and tremble before the great angel Moron?"
12 And neither Joel nor the disciples knew what the great priest was talking about for there was no one there.
13 And lo! The priest mocked Him "And what, pray, can your God do?"
14 And Satan, still exiled from the country club, heard the blasphemy and let loose a Holy Flatulence into the Temple.
15 And lo! All fled the Temple save Joel and His disciples who delighted in the Holy Fragrance and the great priest who had cast his bowels upon the Earth.
16 And lo! The great priest, having cast his bowels upon the Earth shouted "Show them Moron!" to no one.
17 And lo! Peter, Paul, and Mary sang 'Puff the Magic Dragon.'
CHAPTER NINE: The Great Cosmic Death Ray is unveiled and there is a sacrifice.
And lo! The great priest realised that the angel Moron was powerless against this new force and summoned his sentries.
2 And lo! The priest commanded "It is time to arm the Cosmic Death Ray and destroy the Earth!"
3 And Mary said unto to the priest "You are mad! How could you build a Cosmic Death Ray?
4 And the priest said unto Mary "What else were we supposed to do with all our tithing? Feed the poor?"
5 And lo! The priest had a hearty evil laugh.
6 And lo! The Cosmic Death Ray rose from the depths of Hell bearing the number of the beast six hundred four score and seven years ago and one half.
7 And lo! Peter, Paul, and Mary pushed the Shopping Cart of Truth at the Cosmic Death Ray.
8 And lo! The disciples bore witness that Joel did climb into the shopping cart shouting "Thy will be done!"
9 And lo! There was a great explosion which lit up the night but there was no cosmic death save that of Joel for He had given himself to save Man.
CHAPTER TEN: Mary and the disciples bear witness to Joel's rise and there is much rejoicing.
And lo! Three days had past and the disciples of Joel had sobered up and became dejected and thought of getting jobs.
2 And lo! Mary had a vision of Joel.
3 And lo! Mary said unto Joel "You have returned from the dead and thus fulfilled the prophecy."
4 Joel said unto Mary "I have not returned. This is only a vision conjured by the Holy Hangover thou hast. I am really crouching down outside a country club so Satan can climb upon my back to get over the fence back into the country club."
5 And lo! Peter and Paul had come unto Mary and they saw that Joel stood before them parting His garments and asked Him if Thou hast come back.
6 Joel said unto them "No I have not come back nor do I wish to. I am in the Kingdom about to streak through the country club with Satan to the dismay of the Holy One and all the angels."
7 And lo! The disciples knew that all had been fulfilled in the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Hoax. Amen.
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