While She Sleeps<META NAME="Author" CONTENT="Juked"> <META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> <LINK REL="stylesheet" HREF="/css/913articles.css" TYPE="text/css"> <LINK REL="shortcut icon" HREF="/favicon.ico" TYPE="image/x-icon"> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JAVASCRIPT" SRC="/js/articles.js"></SCRIPT> </HEAD><BODY LEFTMARGIN="0" TOPMARGIN="0" MARGINHEIGHT="0" RIGHTMARGIN="0" BOTTOMMARGIN="0" MARGINWIDTH="0" STYLE="border:0; text-align:center; background-color:#FFFFEE"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR> <TD WIDTH="*"> <SPACER> </TD> <TD WIDTH="900" HEIGHT="100%" VALIGN="top" ALIGN="left"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR>  <TD WIDTH="680" HEIGHT="100%" VALIGN="top" ALIGN="left" BGCOLOR="#FFFFEE"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR> <TD WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="30" VALIGN="middle" ALIGN="left" STYLE="border-bottom:1px solid #000000"> <A HREF="/index.html" CLASS="nav">home</A> | <A HREF="/info/" CLASS="nav">info</A> | <A HREF="/moment/" CLASS="nav">moment</A> | <A HREF="/archive/" CLASS="nav">archive</A> | <A HREF="/print/" CLASS="nav">print</A> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="100%" VALIGN="top" ALIGN="left"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0" STYLE="padding-right:30px"> <TR> <TD HEIGHT="80" COLSPAN="2"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="*" ALIGN="left" CLASS="header"> </TD> <TD WIDTH="*" ALIGN="right" CLASS="header" > 01.2008 </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD HEIGHT="8" COLSPAN="2"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="*" COLSPAN="2" STYLE="padding-top:7px; padding-bottom:7px" CLASS="title"> While She Sleeps </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="*" COLSPAN="2" CLASS="byline"> by <A HREF="/info/912bios/shawnf.asp" CLASS="authorlink">Shawn Fawson</A> </A> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD HEIGHT="20" COLSPAN="2"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="*" COLSPAN="2" CLASS="text" STYLE="padding-bottom:30px"><DIV CLASS="textpoemholder"> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>Night One</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Words concealed by day name themselves</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to the dark.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">The sky has thinned</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to a line across the bedroom window</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">where stars repeat their useless infinities.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">If I whisper their names to my mother</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">it isn't because they are the proper names of stars.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Why would she take them in now—</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">her ears shallow, the air trying to clear</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">itself of the end of life smells?</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">No, it's because without memory</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">there is nothing else to forgive.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Her last word wore thin two weeks ago. And now</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">there is no dark</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="95" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">dark enough</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">for this particular silence.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Now her breathing sounds</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">as though she inhales the hundreds of tiny stars</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">snagging the night like knots</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">I can't undo no matter how hard I try—</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>polaris, ceti, cygni</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">among them.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Because any whole sentence</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">would break</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">its promise</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">and find god</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">opening again</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">like a pupil adjusting</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to the absence of light.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>Night Two</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">From her window</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="110" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">the snow blows over the front path</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="365" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">and erases the way out.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">The deer never raise their heads;</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the dormant landscape slips</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">under a tongue locked</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">in some other narrative—</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>the red-smoked twilights and my mother's hands knocking things over,</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>trembling with need, lugging her suitcase on her way</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>to the hotel room fucks, the pulsings of airline wings</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>then the 2AM lies to a child, </I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>an ocean away. </I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="125" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>If I look closely I can see my mother weeping. </I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="145" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>But I don't know how to make her stop. </I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Only here</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="45" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">I know how to make her eyes flutter</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">by pressing the delicate spot between her thumb and finger,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="65" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">how to make her see my love is more than the slimmest red smoke</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">at twilight—</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>a sketch</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="45" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>of blood above her thighs, a certain thirst, a knife, the chilled swirl of scotch, a</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">supernatural wolf hiding in the pleats of dusk.</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>But, nothing I named in her world would make her stay with me.</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="205" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">O, a ring of her absence,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="385" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">a thin syllable in my ear,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">high pitched and begging me closer</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to let other women show me</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">how to make a dress eat my waist,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">how to palm my body aside from breast to breast</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">smooth the nipples down,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">tongue words around a cock—</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the shudder of my body</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">obsessed by what is lacking.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">All I could do was fail, but I know</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">how to pry a center seed from the sumac</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to find the startling white spot underneath.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">I can embroider a pillowslip with tight stitches</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">so the buds rise pale pink to any edge. I have learned</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to keep her dead in the soundless fathoms where nothing else exists.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>The red smoke, a frayed jet stream to follow across oceans.</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>I'd get down on my back</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>on the roof under my window when the dusk flooded the darkness, </I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>and her thin features would transverse the sky of my fingertips. </I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>With each icy breath I'd hang paper birds</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>in her mouth</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="70" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>repeating</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="135" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>a name that must be mine. </I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>Night Three</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">What the breaking sound is</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">has something to do with the weight</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">of her watch—too heavy</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">to hold in midair</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">while the button she fumbles on her cuff</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">becomes too large for the thread</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">it is strung on.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">And the tick curves</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">around this transparent landscape</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">of bone as I hold her wrist</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">away from the vase's tiny bits</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">and the sharp swells of water.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">To calm her, my hands</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">must learn to touch</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">all over again with words</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">that smooth cornflowers</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">over her skin, memory</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">as light as pollen,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">but even that is useless.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">By the time the spill's cleaned up,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the pages of <I>Anna Karenina</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">are blued by the wet blossoms</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">steeping the book's pages.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">My mother's inward</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">gaze does not let go</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">as she bends forward to abandon</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">another room to her absence</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">like the moment a Zen master</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">leans toward non existence</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">but has not yet become it,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">or the way the palm prints</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">of the dying</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">clutch the places of grief</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">on our bodies and want to put</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the single petal</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">back on the flower.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>Night Four</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">A shuffle of snow</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="100" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">dislodges the sky into an unfamiliar dimension. How many mornings</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">have I sat next to her like this, my eyes</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">following the light's smallest movements along the eaves,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="390" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">while shadows fingerprint</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="100" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">her face? Through a blink, any shaft</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="360" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">sets off a sudden slide.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="100" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">I wait for small adjustments—the tumblings to still,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="100" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">drifts to be quiet. But sleep never comes. I try to understand how many hungers there are.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="455" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">How many people</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">are pacing the floors in rooms, their thoughts stalled on bridges, and how many times do</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">their worlds break apart and start up again?</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>The snow</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="45" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left"><I>slants into the car window. There is something she says about her lover's hair</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">falling forward when he's inside her. Something about my father's burns and sudden</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">nausea. How near the end even a wolf with a blackened penis slowly goes crazy.</I></P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="255" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">And her words still sting my heart.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="100" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">Sometimes during early winter mornings the clouds rearrange</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the landscape,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" WIDTH="85" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="left">and a shaft of light is disguised as the bridge where my mother stopped</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">thirty-five years ago. <I>The snow was thick and heavy, pouring out of the street lamp as if it</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">wanted to bury that car.</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new"><I>Night Five</I></P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">The heaven that goes untended</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">is the first emptiness, but morphine takes her</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">wherever she wants: on a road curving</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">into steady flowers, to dreams spinning free</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">under waves of snow, or to grasses swaying</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">into cobwebs like sounds in a mute wind.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">The lightest touch on her skin</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">makes the line to each curve on her body unfinished</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">as a train might stop in snow—every slowed turn</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">jerking against the metal track. Pain carries</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">its weight straight down.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">By now, her gown loosens</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">and a button imprints her wrist without</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">hurting. Quiet shivers the air. There's nothing</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">left but a veined transparency of shadows</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the moon scrolls over leaves, the bedroom,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">her hands the color of camellias.</P> <IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="15"><BR> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">Gone are the clocks faltering in the hallways,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">the tricks of time arranging absence,</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">our phantom meetings under some</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">embracing willow in the back of my mind.</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">All I have left of her is what kept her</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">from me—that place where there aren't any tracks</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">after the deepest snow comes</P> <P CLASS="textpoem-new">low in the trees as the final exhale.</P> </DIV> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD HEIGHT="*" STYLE="border-bottom:1px solid #000000"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD>  <TD WIDTH="182" HEIGHT="100%" VALIGN="top" BGCOLOR="#677358"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR>  <TD VALIGN="top" HEIGHT="420" VALIGN="top" ALIGN="left"> <IMG SRC="/images/913/article-logo.jpg" BORDER="0" USEMAP="#sideimage" WIDTH="182"> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD VALIGN="bottom" ALIGN="center" WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="*" CLASS="sidebottom" STYLE="padding-bottom:40px"> Thoughts? <A HREF="mailto:info@juked.com?subject=Feedback" CLASS="sidelink">Tell us</A>. </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD> <TD WIDTH="38" HEIGHT="100%" VALIGN="top" ALIGN="left" BGCOLOR="#FFFFEE"> <TABLE WIDTH="38" HEIGHT="100%" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR> <TD WIDTH="38" HEIGHT="30" VALIGN="top" STYLE="border-bottom:1px solid #000000"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD WIDTH="38" HEIGHT="*" STYLE="border-bottom:1px solid #000000"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD> <TD WIDTH="*"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR>  <TR> <TD WIDTH="*"> <SPACER> </TD> <TD WIDTH="900" HEIGHT="56"> <TABLE WIDTH="100%" HEIGHT="56" CELLSPACING="0" CELLPADDING="0" BORDER="0"> <TR> <TD WIDTH="680" HEIGHT="56" VALIGN="middle" ALIGN="right" STYLE="background-color:#FFFFEE; padding-bottom:4px" CLASS="bottom"> Copyright © 1999-2012 <I>Juked</I><IMG SRC="/images/null.gif" HEIGHT="1" WIDTH="50"> </TD> <TD WIDTH="182" BGCOLOR="#677358"> <SPACER> </TD> <TD WIDTH="38" STYLE="background-color:#FFFFEE; padding-bottom:4px"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </TD> <TD WIDTH="*"> <SPACER> </TD> </TR>  </TABLE> <MAP NAME="sideimage"> <AREA SHAPE="RECT" COORDS="0,0,182,83" HREF="/index.html"> </MAP> </DIV> </BODY> </HTML>